I decided to blog a few entries before 2010 end.
This is to remind myself of what happened when I read back years later.
As much as I can recall, 2010 was a hell of a ride!!!
2010 did not start off well for me.
A decision I made in december 2009 has caused me huge pain and it dragged on for months(I didnt expect it to be that way, I thought it would make things better for myself but it didnt.)
Anyway, as most of you already know, its regarding Ryan.
& for people who've known me for years would know that I'm more of the "na de qi fang de xia" kind of girl but it was different with Ryan. I THOUGHT I would be ready to move on because our r/s was seriusly going nowhere then(dec09) but wth, I was damn wrong!! I cried and cried so badly and waking up everyday is a nightmare.
It was good for Ryan because I guess he finally had a release? He didnt had to deal with me anymore, with us. Me on the other side, had to take it all had to suffer all the mental torments. I mean it seriously, it was MENTAL.
So I remember so clearly the night before school started I called Peiqi up in the middle of the night because I was FREAKING OUT. She was ready to go to bed but hearing me so upset so scared so anxious on the other line, she stayed on and listen to me. Basically, I cried more than I talk and I guess she was as helpless as I was. She gave me all the advises she could think of and I just keep crying! FREE FLOW =.=''
It was no joke that I had to be in the same class with him for that few months before graduating from ITE. We were..weird and awkward around each other. Seeing him hurts me so badly because the thought of how we turned out just kills me so deep inside.
However, with the company of friends, I managed to survive.
Ryan didnt wanna care about me and.. things kinda change during April.
He started to contact me, we started going out for dinner? stuff like that.. and then we both kinda decide to give it one more shot at love? It was quite crazy for me because I wasnt ready at all. The tears I shed and the crazy things I did to keep my mind away from him just kept haunting me NON STOP!! I was really afraid to accept him back into my life because I dont want to make another mistake! We quarrreled at the slightest matter and theres this once, I burst out into tears in Biz Park & I did not even touch the plate of food I ordered. Veron had to accompany me to the library to cry. It was damn pathetic la. So glad she was around and she even talk to Ryan for me because I was crying so badly to talk. Ya by now you already know Im a cry baby. Rofl. So the few months from April-October.. Ryan was trying to make me believe in him and have faith. It was really tough on my part because I just couldnt bring myself to let him in again. EVEN though I wanted him so badly, but it didnt override the fear I had!!
Step by step, we moved we progressed and Im glad we somehow made it.
Of course there is no guarantee to the future and everything is unpredictable. All I know is, you treat me very genuinely and sincerely. Thanks for trying to play every role.. the boyfriend the bestfriend the father the mother everything! With you, Im as true as I can be there is nothing to hide and I like it that way.
I love your family so much there is nothing I would trade all 4 of you for!! (:
PS: Patience goes a long way. Be patient with me and you know good stuff will happen :)
PSS: When you love someone, putting down your ego and saying sorry first doesnt mean you are right or I am right, it just means that you love me so much that you're willing to make the move first and it makes me happy.
PSSS: Express your feelings or thoughts for I cant read minds or every thoughts you have! Better to say it out then have misunderstandings later on!
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